Friday, August 31, 2012

Life rediscovered


I open the car door and slide into the driver's seat.
The door closes.
Yes, it still feels as though this is my place.
Slowly, I move my hands around the steering wheel.
I stare at the dashboard and it, motionless but nervous, waits for me to make a move.
It seems that the gear shift recognizes my hand
and, pushing the clutch I begin to turn the key.
There is a sudden vibration in my back bone. The motor is alive!
Turning on the radio, I hear an old Van Halen rock tune: 1984.
The volume gets turned up: the second song is Jump!
First gear... and I depart. Slowly, then trying a bit of acceleration.
I open the window. It's August and the air of this beautiful day is beautifully perfumed.
My hand is gliding in the breeze outside...

Wait!
“Good morning, fill up the gas tank please.”
“Sure... Is your trip a long one?”
“Yes, a life...”
Let's go!

There it is again... Jump.  I raise the volume...

Then, I steal a glance at the rear view mirror...

Leukemia. Pneumonia.
Fear. Pain. Boredom. Nausea.
Surgical masks. Medicine.
TAC. X-Ray. Ultrasound.
Chemotherapy. Radiation therapy.
Low blood values. Fever. Antibiotics.

Again, my eyes are on the road ahead.
There is a curve, then a long straight path...

So glad to see  you, world. I've been away in recent months, but now I've returned  once more.

Back to what is life: think, deciding, doing.
And now... living!




Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Resilience


"I am sick... I am so sick...
Hey, maybe now I am getting better... No, I am worse than ever!
But why? A strong guy like me? No, now I can't move any more!
The light bothers me, and I close my eyes.
My ears hear only the whistle of the blood flowing in my veins.
My back hurts with an intense hammering pain that tortures my spinal cord...
There is a taste of iron in my mouth and I want to vomit.
My cheeks and my throat are devastated by burning mucous.
The nausea is extreme, I cough, I vomit... No... I haven't eaten in days.
I am totally alone... I clench my hands which have no strength.
It can't end like this! It can't end like this!
I begin to cry, and the hiccups of my tears send pain rushing down my back.
The ache increases. I have to stop!
I feel abandoned, defeated. This time, my God, I can't make it.
Life is ending... ending...
... I prepare my body... I'm ready... waiting... waiting..."

And the wait was long... I was ready for the worst. But, the worst did not arrive...
When I awoke, I was still there, in the bed of my hospital room.
Looking at the window, I saw the dawn of a new day.
And the light of the morning gave me hope and strength to fight again.
And I fought again. And I swore with all my forces that I would have done it!

This was the most important and necessary of my life's efforts.

Resilience is the capacity of humans to affront adversity, to overcome it, and to be transformed by it in a positive way.



Monday, August 27, 2012

To relatives


You were always there, and I saw you waiting in the hallway,
being held up by the wall as you wait to enter the room.
And I saw you awkwardly fumbling with those surgical masks, which are so difficult to wear.
You were there, running after the doctors, to ask desperate questions which could not wait to be answered.
I saw you all alone, silently cry.
And I watched you leave the room, shutting the door with a happy gesture, taking leave with a nearly joyful hop.
There you were, and I watched you slowly pushing the trolleys, heavy with clear plastic bags, up and down the corridors.
There you were, and I saw that you were surrounded by doctors and trying to understand all the obscure words they were using.
There you were, and I saw you to smile while arriving in the hospital with good hot food bought in a restaurant.
You wandered the corridor, eyes red, searching for a sink with cold water to throw on your face.
There you were, and you thanked every one of the nurses, individually, for their humanity.
And then you rushed back and forth, between the room and the car, carrying the bags, to finally leave the hospital.

To everyone who has carried, and is carrying, the heavy weight of illness and suffering with endless strength,
let me say THANKS from all of us who have been and are in those rooms.
For what you have done and do for your loved ones, this is like an additional therapy.

Doctors treat our bodies.
You take care of our souls.



Friday, August 24, 2012

The candle


At 40 years of age, the man became sick with an incurable illness.
He was a strong person, but this burden was too heavy and it brought him near the end of his life.
On his deathbed, he held the hands of his child: his earthly continuation.
Reaching the last moment, his spirit lifted.

A short time later, the man found himself in a suspended and silent place.
All around him he saw lighten candles.
Some were high, others consumed and short.
A few candles were only melted empty forms.

The figure of an old man, with long silver hair, appeared.
As graceful as an angel, he came closer and smiled.
"Welcome." he said, with a warm and sweet voice.
"Hello." replied the man, hesitating because of his surprise.

"Where am I?" the man asked, while his gaze wandered.
"This is the vestibule." the older man replied, slowly turning his shoulders.
"What about all these candles?" the man countered.
"Each candle is a life." was the answer.

The man then began to study some of the small flames more closely.
He was curious about one which was nearly consumed and whose light was flickering weakly.
"This one?" he asked without taking his eyes off the wick.
"This is your candle. It will soon go out...”

A deep dismay filled the man.
Everything sounded tremendously wrong.
He began to tremble until he could not restrain himself anymore.
"The candle has melted. What can I do? I am dying!"

"You can do nothing." said the elderly figure, standing close and whispering in his ear.
"This is the natural cycle of things."
Meanwhile the man continued to stare at the weak flame sick.
He could not accept such an unhappy destiny for himself.

Suddenly he moved his gaze from the candle. Was he alone again?
He turned around and around, "Hey, Sir?"
He fell silent so that he could hear the reply... and was overcome with a wave of solitude.
He wandered near his candle. The others were so high and bright!

The man moved close to one of those. It was a higher candle than the others.
The flame was brilliant and constant. A beautiful candle.
The man looked around... The elderly figure had disappeared.
He took the wax, lifting it with a desperate gesture and broke it.

Then, he searched again for the old man among the bright cylinders. But, he wasn't there.
The man returned to his dying flame and placed the bright one on top of it.
His weak flame had become high and bright. He felt better now.
He thought that his elderly companion could not possibly have seen...
Then... all those lights blurred together...

The man opened his eyelids and a wave of daylight struck his sight.
He forced himself to keep his eyes open, and barely succeeded.
Had he been dreaming? Was he still on his deathbed?
The pain of his illness and the confusion of the medication had disappeared.

A low sound of crying reached his ears. His wife.
The image of the floor became clearer.
Then the shoes and the dark colored trousers. He was so elegantly dressed.
Turning his head he saw his wife weeping desperately.

The man looked straight ahead and the horror of what he saw nearly killed him.
It was his only child, motionless in a coffin!
He tortured his eyes with his hands to cancel the terrifying image.
When he uncovered his eyes again, nothing had changed. It was all tragically true!

The man understood that he had committed a fatal mistake.
The life he had stolen to lengthen his own was that of his child!
Among the thousands of candles, destiny had brought him to the one which was most dear to him.
Guilt did strike dumb him.

A loud buzzing penetrated his ears, and he felt himself fainting.
His knees could not resist and he fell to the ground.
His wife knelt and tried to revive him.
His face was contorted, his mouth open wide and mute.
Again, he was overcome with darkness...

When he was conscious once more, he found himself seated on a bench.
It seemed as though he had just awakened from a brief nap.
He tried to get accustomed to the light, and began to study his shoes and clothes.
He was wearing light Summer sandals and short beige pants.

The field in front of him was emerald green.
Children were playing with a ball. He was in a park.
A Summer breeze was lightly blowing and the trees were delicately rustling in the wind.
The man realized that he was not alone on the bench and turned his head.
The old man with his long silver hair!

"You!" he exclaimed with a voice which betrayed his surprise.
"Yes, me." said the old man, "I come to this park every day."
"Yes, but..." the man was not sure if he wanted to talk, or if he would even be able to do so.
He began: "... the candle, my child's death... I was wrong! What can I do now?"

"My son" answered the old man "The lesson was hard, but you have understood it...
You lived your youth, created a family with your wife, and had a child... all of this in great health.
When you became sick, you did not want to abandon it all,
So you tried to save yourself at the cost of another's life.
What can you answer to me now?"

The old man stared intensely, waiting for the reply...
"I have understood... that instead of attempting to lengthen my life at any cost
I would have been wiser to appreciate that which life had already given me.
From the beginning to the end.
Love of my parents, love of my wife, love of my son.
I had everything, but I wanted more!"

The man covered his face with his hands.
He wanted to weep out of shame for what he had done.
Then a gust of wind blew through his hair...
He separated his fingers, searching for the old silvered hair man.
He had disappeared once more! The man was alone again...
The sun began to set and the sky turned orange.
The first stars were already announcing the evening sky.

Something struck his ankle. A ball. A running child approached.
The child was sweating and out of breath.
"Papa, I'm hungry! Let's go home!" The man felt a rebirth. He lifted his child into his arms and hugged tightly.
The beating heart of the child hammered on the heart of the father.
For a long moment, they remained this way.
Then, hand in hand, they walked towards home, in the waning twilight.



Why I write


Hi! I am Alfonso De Prisco. This is my blog, in which I've gathered short meditations and a few stories. The hope is that each post will offer you a chance for reflection.

I am a leukemia survivor. Parts of this blog are about that experience, while others are more universal. My message is about optimism and hope.

I welcome your comments, suggestions and shared experiences.
Thank-you!

NB: English translations have been done by my dear friend Helen Siro Brigiano.
Thank you Helen!!